Friday, September 19, 2008

The End Of dy Two

So, here I sit. Still in the hospital, still no labor, still no baby. Last night, I gained some gel to thin my cervix, but I lost my beloved Nurse Kelly. In exchange, I got Nurse Jen, Nurse Jennifer and for all of today so far, Nurse Margaret. All of them competent, but none as lovely. Sigh...

The gel was administered at around 7:00pm last night. Dr. Assad politely offered to allow Nurse Kelly to put it in instead of him, which I thought was a wonderful idea after the "dig" from earlier. Kelly then informed us that in her 12 years, she had never had a Dr. bow out of that gig. I think I scared him off. Around 5am, they took it out and around 6am, they started the Pitocin drip. My Dr., Vagina Ripper, stopped in to visit around 2:15p to let me know that this was probably going to take a few days and that she was going to have the drip turned off around 5:00pm and we would start it all over tonight. I finally started contracting around 4:00pm, but it was too late. So, here I am... belly full with Chili Cheese Fries and cervix full of more gel to try and get things moving. Tomorrow morning, they will start the Pitocin again.

In the meantime, I know a girl who's sister in law works here as a labor and delivery nurse and she just stopped in to see us. It makes up for the other competent, efficient, by the book nurses I have gotten today.

If nothing happens with tomorrows induction attempt, VR is going to schedule a C-Section. She is convinced that my Placenta is trying to shut down and doesn't want to rely on it for anything else. It's not the best case scenario, but VR has been opposed to C-Sections and Inductions everytime we've talked about it, so I have faith that she thinks it's for the best and not just a ploy to get her to her dinner date tomorrow night on time.

We shall see.

PS - Dr. Assad had to come in this time to do the cervix gelling and tore me up again. I'm pretty sure I have scared him off for good. If he's a resident, he might surely change his mind about Obstetrics :)

Thursday, September 18, 2008

You Can Block MySpace, But You Forgot About Blogger!

Yes, I am totally blogging from the hospital right now. It's not that I'm obsessed, it's that I had to pay to watch any other channel besides The TV Guide Channel and with the television came the internet. MySpace is blocked content, but this isn't!!!

Anywho, on to the update: Definitely low on amniotic fluid. Definitely staying at hospital. Definitely inducing labor. They are going to start with the gel in about another hour and a half or so, then around 5:00 tomorrow morning they are going to the "next level" with Pitocin. I am currently on hold for ordering dinner with the fantastic system they have called "on-call dining". I'm not going to lie right now I am enjoying the hospital more than home a little bit. I know that's all going to change drastically, but if I have to hang out in a hospital, waiting for gels and drips, at least I can eat and blog.

We got here about 12:30. Dr. Assad tried to find the Hope Fucking Diamond, which he apparently assumed was located somewhere BEHIND my Uterus, and half an arm North. OMG! No, he did not find what he was looking for, I told him he had a future in archaeology though. Right after I sobbed uncontrollably from the pain. I'm good now. Nurse (and Midwife in training) Kelly ROCKS and I am so glad she is mine until 11:00pm. I hope the next one gets my jokes.

Husband is great. Loves his chair. And all of the phone calls. I don't think he thought that's what was meant by "Support Person" hehehehehehehehe He's wonderful and Post-Partum, I swear, I'll make it up to him.

That's it for now. Maybe there will be more posts before I leave here. Maybe not. Sorry for typos an whatnot. Keyboard sucks and has limited mouse functions. I have no patience to try and spellcheck.

Why, Yes I Do Know Where My Priorities Are (Thank You For Asking)

Went to "Vagina Ripper" yesterday. We're four days past due. I was sent home with a prescription for an Ultrasound to gauge his size and a prescription for twice weekly non-stress tests. Well, we made it to one appointment.

At 7:30 this morning, Husband and I marched our happy asses into the Fetal Imaging Center. Our Lady Sonogram Tech checked his heartbeat (I saw it) and stated he was measuring about 8 lbs 8 oz, and then, after putting a towel over my tummy (not cleaning up the gel), said those dreaded words... "I'm going to go check my pictures and I'll be right back" Why are these dreaded words, you ask? Well, because this isn't our first time in this Center. And one of the other times we were in, after we found out our baby was fine, we asked the tech if they had ever had to deliver bad news. She informed us that she never has, that protocol is to say they are going to "check the pictures" and then they grab a doc to doublecheck their findings. Sure as shit, tech lady came back with Dr. Somethingorother. After he checked her findings, informed us that the amniotic fluid was low. They called Dr. VR, who called me and said something to the effect of "I'm gonna need you to go ahead and start on to the hospital so we can begin induction methods today". Well, it could be a couple of days. I have had no progress and, therefore, induction is likely to be a slow-go... so, we'll see if this baby doesn't make it here by Saturday.

Call it ironic, call it foreshadowing, call it Maternal Instinct: I have been considered about amniotic fluid levels throughout my pregnancy... have obsessed about it really. To the point where I had VR check it more than once in fear that I was leaking. I was not. I have also been concerned that I wouldn't know when my water breaks. Low amniotic fluid could be caused by a few things. One is my dehydration (entirely possible), one is my water broke and I don't know it, another is that I've passed my due date and my placenta has decided it's done doing it's job. Regardless of the cause, it has happened. It can cause a few problems, none that I will dwell on now.

Right now, I'm going to jump in the shower, eat some breakfast, tidy up me house and head to hospital.


P.S. - I've also always felt that I would have to be induced and/or a C-Section. Induction? CHECK! C-Section? TBD...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


I swear to Pete. If you're going to be against Obama, could you please come up with something more creative than "he's got ties to terrorism"? I mean, seriously. I won't judge Grandpa McCain for his inability to use e-mail, you stop with your "terrorist" shit. Get pissy about something relative... like his stand on abortion... or his feelings about drilling for oil in these here United States... or, hey, I would even prefer it if you just said "I don't want a black President", at least those things are true. Snopes, people... use it.

Further, as if the City of Detroit needed to make one more move to prove how fucking retarded they are. Kwame is out on Thursday (whoo-hoo!) and the City Council President, Kenneth Cockrel, Jr. is to step in on Friday. The remaining City Council members had a special meeting today to decide whether to hold a Special Mayoral Election or not in May 2009. Here are the facts... If there is a Special Election, then Cockrel will have to campaign for the spot through May (while acting as Mayor in the interim). If there is no Special Election, then Cockrel keeps the position and has to campaign for the next regular Election, in November 2009. The Special Election will cost three million dollars. CDD voted IN FAVOR OF a Special Election. That's right.. they are willing to spend THREE MILLION DOLLARS on SIX months of Mayor. That's just over $16,500.00 per day. Can we step back for twelve seconds and reflect upon the fact that part of the reason Kwame is out comes down to him spending nine million City dollars to cover up a wrongful termination? Nice D-Town. Nice job, indeed. Hey, listen... if you could have a shit ton of meetings about how to have less meetings, you might be more respected.

And to some of you morons in Texas: I saw you holding your ground, waving your flags, staring Ike in the eye, prepared to defend your homes against the wrath of wind and rain and, guess what? IKE WASN'T A TERRORIST! STAYING HOME WAS NOT AN ACT OF PATRIOTISM! AND NOW YOU HAD TO BE RESCUED! And what did we learn? Oh, yeah, mandatory evacuations should not be taken lightly!! At least you'll have a story to sell. Awesome.

Baby Update: The Lord of the Dance on My Bladder is not here yet. Not going to work tomorrow. Nothings wrong. Nothings happening. Have no fear. Just taking the day off.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Maybe It Does Work

After a week of energy-saving, window-opening, smells a lot like Fall weather... here it is, 11:00 on a Friday night in Mid-September and I just closed all of my windows to turn on the air. WTF? Hello Muggy! Thanks for stopping in! My energy bill thanks you!


I have had an excellent pregnancy. For real. I've had a lot of the minor complaints and a few strange complaints, but I haven't had nearly the problems I thought I would. I've only gained 14 pounds (okay, I gained 18, but have lost four in the last two visits) I just KNEW I was going to get Gestational Diabetes. I did not. I was CERTAIN I would end up with Preeclampsia. Nope. I was TERRIFIED of ending up on bed rest. Not so much. (Well, other than the self-prescribed daily naps) So, here it is. Week 39 and 5 days, due on Sunday and... nothin. Not a thing. No worthy dilatation. No effacement. No Braxton-Hicks. NO PROGRESS! Until yesterday.

Wednesday I went to OB, whom I will now refer to as "Vagina Ripper". She checked my cervix and, after obviously trying to single-fingeredly drag my entire cervix OUT of my body, proudly proclaimed I was at ONE centimeter. Well, I wasn't when I walked in!! She informed me that she will probably let him go to 14 days past due, since my body isn't doing anything. Inducement is useless, unless I want to spend three days in the hospital just WAITING for the Pitocin to kick in. I'm okay with this. I don't mind waiting until he's ready. As long as my body shows promise that it's not going to fail me. Last night, it proved it's worth. I found a bit of pink after I peed. HOORAY! My body doesn't SUCK! Today, I found a bit of red. WHOO-HOO!! Bring it on! Okay, so all this really means is that labor is hours, days or weeks away (no shit), BUT it also means so much more to me. That my body will not have to be medicated into cooperation (hopefully) and that Lord of the Dance on My Bladder MIGHT not need to be evicted by Intravenous Hormones and Surgical Instruments! This is good. This is very good.

P.S. I have a complaint about this whole "sex during pregnancy" topic. To me, there are three parts of "sex during pregnancy" - a) Penetration b) My Cheeri-O c) Husbands Cheeri-O. I hear that the prostaglandins in semen act to thin out the cervix, BUT when the suggestion is made to have sex to induce labor... is it possible that any of the three Acts of the Play have their own Role? I mean, all of these people who are having sex to induce and get nowhere with it... maybe it's the female Orgasm that jump starts it... or just the Penetration itself. Frankly, the Penetration hurts, but I'm all for the other two Acts. They should be more specific. If it's my Cheeri-O, then I don't HAVE to endure the pain of Penetration. And if it's Penetration, then give me all of the phallic objects that you can sterilize and we'll just run a train 24/7 until he arrives. Of course, if it is entirely Husbands Cheeri-O, then I see an opportunity for both of us to "work from home" selling his essence on Craigslist to overdue pregnant women.

P.P.S. I think I just had a contraction. Um. I'm going to go pack the bag I've been putting off. I might need it.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Hello Weekend!!

So, as I sit here trying to print return address labels for Thank You Cards that should have gone out WEEKS ago, with a bum ink cartridge, I am pondering a few things.

Kwame - Goodbye fucker!!
Obama - How you doin? ;)
Palin - Really? Pro-lifers are commending you for NOT aborting your son with Down Syndrome? How kind of you.
Weekend - HI! I really hope we can accomplish a few things together. Probably I oughta pack a bag or something. Maybe get around to cleaning up the calcified cat vomit and, hey, if we're really feeling froggy, maybe we can take the vacuum for a spin through the tumbleweeds of fur running rampant in my living room, eh?
Fall - Welcome friend. You smell lovely. I'll see you at the Cider Mill. I'll be the one toting the Teeny Edamame in a blue bundle. Just give me a few weeks.
Childbirth - This is going to hurt isn't it? Ah, fuck. Sigh.
Parenthood - More painful than childbirth? I'm guessing so...
Internet - Soon, my dear, we may have to take a brief hiatus. I'll miss you. Stay tuned.
Friends - So, can any of you cook? Because, seriously, I don't know if I've explained to you how awful Husband's cooking truly is (he's great on the Grill, but don't let him try to get creative) and I may need to eat. I've cleaned out my freezer for you... you do the math...

I'm determined to finish these cards TONIGHT!