Sunday, August 31, 2008

Dear Gustav

Dear Gustav,

Please stop wreaking your havoc on, near and around my friends. I am cozy in my non-hurricane, non-typhoon, non-earthquake area of The Mitten, but I have friends who have had more ambition than me to leave this fair state. They have travelled to far and wonderful places to enjoy sunny skies and year round beach access. I have one friend who lives on the Gulf in Florida and one who lives on the Grand Island of Cayman. But you're fucking with them!! You can't seem to make up your mind. I think perhaps you should have been named for a female this time around. And for crying out loud, stay away from New Orleans. NO ONE'S GOING TO THROW YOU ANY BEADS!

Love, Lisa

P.S. My grass is yellow. I hear that people who care about such things would like some rain. Feel free to pop in to The Mitten (preferably with much less anger)

Friday, August 29, 2008

Quote(s) Of The Month

I gave up on cartoon humor long ago. Right around the time South Park decided to shit their credibility all over fans everywhere with the wretched South Park Movie.

However, these days, I find myself laughing out loud at...sigh...Family Guy. I know, I know... it's immature. It's potty humor. It's over the top characters with over the top characterizations. I know. I KNOW! But I laugh dammit. And it feels good! And it's on A LOT. I find myself bouncing between three different networks in the course of one evening, just to catch an episode I haven't seen before. Ugh.

Anyhow, whether it be that hormones have turned my sense of humor to that of a 15 year old boy, or that the show is really that funny, I feel it necessary to honor the hard work of the writers of the show on this Labor Day Weekend, with some of my favorite Stewie quotes (compliments of

-Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch, so bye!

-I bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull.

-Oh damn! Jeremy is still in the trunk! How long has it been, two weeks? Yeah, he's dead.

-You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence ... gotta get me some of that.

-(On reading the Bible)"My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.

-Let me tell you something Nessa, a bullet sounds the same in every language. So stick a fucking sock in it you cow!

-HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh... excluding that first Ha

-(to Death): Love your work

-Blast you and your estrogenical tyranny!

-The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.

-Why you tottering, fen-sucked dewberry! I'm going to go find something to strike you with! Excuse me.

-Lois: Here comes the airplane, Stewie.
(Stewie swats spoon)
Stewie: The pilot of that plane must have been JFK Jr.

Saturday, August 23, 2008


Informed Husband today that it's okay for him to want pizza. I know he's eating pizza alone and not telling me. That he shouldn't just assume that if he tells me he wants pizza that I will want to share his pizza with him. That frankly, I'm not really into his pizza right now, his pizza hurts and makes me feel unattractive, but that, rather than each of us eating pizza and not telling the other one, we could each eat our own pizza in the same room at the same time. We don't have to try each others pizza, but company is nice.

I think he understands now.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Saturday - Part Four ... er, Sunday?

Sunday brought with it a chilly day filled with a ton of closure on The Room. Baseboards in! Mini blinds up! Crib ready to go up! Good day with Husband, Dad and Sister, all present and accounted for. My favorite type of day.

We went to dinner. A debacle ensued. Not to bore with too much commentary other than this: Dad wanted to try a place that I am not a fan of. He came to regret this suggestion an hour and half into our visit. Primarily because a server spilled Scampi butter all over Husband (shortly after he had already dumped a Coke on himself) and the VERY EXPENSIVE meal Husband and Dad both ordered were under cooked and required a trip back to the kitchen. All in all, two and a half hours later, well beyond my Sister's bed time and well beyond the point of exhaustion for all of us, we finally got to leave. A visit from the Manager and some much deserved crediting of our bill did soothe the frustration a wee bit.

The bigger problem of the evening was that my back started to hurt about 20 minutes into our seating. Fortunately, me being one with my body (and just having gone through this two weeks ago), I was well aware of what this little pain was about to do to my evening. Straight down hill from there. You see, when one kidney passes a stone, it is not unusual for the other kidney to have a similar storm a-brewin... sigh... by 11:30pm, we were on our way to the hospital again, with me in more agony than last time. And much like the last time... a few blocks from the hospital the pain ceased. Husband did not like my plan of turning around and going home, but I convinced him that there is nothing they can do. It was out of my kidney (the real pain) and they can't go in and get it out of my ureter/urethra/bladder until after Lord of the Dance on My Bladder has been evicted. So, he relented and we went home. The difference with this one is obvious to me. It is much bigger than the last one. It hurt more and it isn't passing out with my urine. It is lodged somewhere, but since it isn't backing up my urine entirely, I do get some relief each time I use the bathroom.

As it turns out, although there is no REAL admitted link between pregnancy and kidney stones, it is not as uncommon as one might think. It seems that Calcium supplements can cause stones. Not only is there Calcium in my everyday prenatal vitamin, but I, much like many women, take an ADDITIONAL Calcium supplement everyday to make up for my lack of dairy intake. Natural Calcium, not so much the cause of kidney stones, but supplements? Definitely a link.

I have had a terrific pregnancy. I really can't complain about much, but I can say that the kidney stones alone may make this last month more intolerable than it's meant to be. I can only hope that I won't get another. I've read of women getting as many as 4 during their pregnancy and having to have stents put in to hold up their various parts, just so urine can pass. No thank you very much.

So, Dear What to Expect When You're Expecting: You don't even mention this possibility. You're fired.


The Lady With Knives and Stones who would very much like to remove her entire vagina at this point.

P.S. I also learned this week that too much Pineapple can burn a whole in your tongue AND that Meconium is made up, in part, of ingested Lanugo and Vernix Caseosa. That's right, when baby starts losing this stuff in utero, preparing for birth, it doesn't just sit around floating in amniotic fluid, waiting to dispense from your body like normal waste... baby ingests it!! Reminds me of just how primal we really are. Underneath the opposable thumbs and the ability to speak and walk upright lies these vary basic instincts to ingest those things with which we have no other ways of disposing. Quite interesting to me. Enjoy your meal!

Saturday - Part Three

Refreshed from my nap and feeling all is well. Husband's progress on his 45's seems to make him happy. Looking forward to going to see my Dad. (We interrupt this program for a short marital spat - okay...and...done!)

Dad's band was playing outdoors at a Boat Club downriver. Here's the kicker: My Mother and my Brother (and his Girlfriend) were all planning on attending. Why is this a kicker you ask? Well, let's see how I can sum this up right quick:

My Brother emancipated himself from our family at the age of 16 in favor of a life that has taken him from skipping school to pot to one teen parent to heroin to two more kids to breaking and entering to domestic violence to state taking children away to heroin to meth to Arizona to hell and back. My Brother is 34 years old and has been back in this state since December of last year. He has run my entire family through the wringer time after time after time to the point where only my Mother would still speak to him. My Dad and I kept our distance. After 8 months of seemingly drama-free existence, we are both slowly allowing him back in to our lives. With trepidation and cautious optimism, we watch from afar and pray that he won't hurt us again. This particular evening was the first time he's been seen by many in over 15 years.

My Mother, for various reasons, turned her own life upside down when I was 14. Choosing a life consisting of drugs, thugs and fear over that of the safe haven I was accustomed to. Years later, we have, at best, a rocky relationship. It's getting better though. She, too, has alienated many in her life... after many years, she and Dad have a friendly relationship and this particular evening was the first time SHE's been seen by many.

I wasn't going to miss this for the world.

Growing up, my Dad's music shaped our lives. Every weekend, his band was playing at some local bar. Friday and Saturday nights, my Brother and I would stay with friends or at home while my Mother went out to have a good time listening to good music with some good friends. The band (in any of it's carnations) was always a tight group where the "Band Wives" were either related or just acted like they were. The kids of these band members were all friends and when the band played where we could get in (Hart Plaza, Strawberry Festival, Street Fairs) we all felt connected to each other as if we had something none of our other school friends would ever share.

The evening went well. The band sounded great, people were having a good time. Some of my Mom's old friends (the band and their wives and a niece thrown in for good measure) were there and accepted her presence as if time had stood still. She drank, she danced, she chatted and it was like a time trip. They were a little more leary of my Brother, but friendly all the same and seemed to enjoy the fact that the four of us were in the same room. And then, someone had a smashing idea... one I wish I had thought of... how about a picture?

You see, these photos are something rare. As it turns out, the last time the four of us were in a picture together was 1990. NEARLY TWENTY YEARS since the last time we were all in a photo together. This blew my mind. It was surreal. I know for some people it doesn't seem like a big deal. But this is my family. Both of my parents have remarried. My Mother has taken in some kids from her Husbands family, my Dad has had another child (who is most awesome by the way) and gotten divorced again, but this? THIS is the family I grew up with. This was all I ever knew. This was a happy group while I was growing up. This was the quintessential one boy, one girl, one couple who openly loved each other and were envied by so many for their passion and commitment to each other. This is my history. And I didn't realize how much I missed it until this particular evening. I wouldn't trade my little sister in for the world and I had an incredible relationship with my Step-Mom who nearly made me forget the pain my real Mom has caused me and my Mother is married to a terrific man ... but if different choices had been made, these pics wouldn't have been so few and far between. These kinds of pictures would fill up all of the disk space on my computer. These pictures wouldn't carry such a magnitude of emotion with them. This particular post wouldn't even need to exist at all.

Saturday - Part Two

I know, I know... it's Saturday AGAIN and I'm still talking about last weekend... but seriously... WTF?

Last Saturday morning I was in high spirits (a little down about Bernie Mac, but maintaining a level head anyhow), when I decided I would get some shit done damn it!! Husband was intently focused on 45 degree angles on base boards and I was avoiding laundry... the plan: Go to Hardware store. Take back light bulb. Exchange for furnace filter. Go to National Retailer. Take back defective soap dispenser. Buy some great items for baby's room at great prices. Buy other stuff while I'm there that we will need before his arrival (things like bottles... thermometers... dressers...maybe toss in a diaper bag if I'm really feeling froggy). Fuck, this is going to be a looooooooong trip.

Armed with my list and some spare cash, I headed out with my shoulders back and my head held high, fully aware of the battle zone I was going to be entering. And owning it. Hardware store - CHECK! Furnace Filter - CHECK! National Retailer - where'd the fucking rain come from? Wow... think I'll wait it out a minute in my car - CHECK! Blue skies... begin trek into store... get the fuck out of my way people, I'm comin in! First step inside first door and down I went. That's right! All of my preparedness, all of my guts and glory, all of my spunk...! Yes, I'm fine. Yes, I'm fine. Yes, I'm fine.... GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME AND FOR THE LOVE OF PETE DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING ME TO HELP ME UP! "What fuckin brain trust used painted concrete as an entrance floor?" <--- yep... at the top of my lungs I did shout this. Shake it off... head to Service desk. Inform them that I have a return and people are falling over there. Ignored.
"Do you have a Yellow Tag?"
"Umm, what?"
"I can't take this return without a Yellow Tag"
"No, I don't have a Yellow Tag"
"Didn't a greeter give you a Yellow Tag"
"NO, I was too busy FALLING for anyone to notice I had anything in my hand"
"You need to go get a Yellow Tag" (this is twice my falling reference has been ignored) "I need you to go get a Yellow Tag or I can't take this return"
Head to door, wait patiently for three minutes while a few employees ignore me. Shout at the top of my lungs: "Does anyone have a FUCKING YELLOW TAG for me?"
Yellow Tag provided promptly.
Head back to Service Desk. Moved to front of line.
"I'm sorry, but it's just our policy"
"I understand... can we move this along... I want to go home now"
"Did a greeter help you up?"
"I don't know... please take my return so I can GO HOME NOW"
"I'm just trying to help you"
"If you WANT to HELP me, you will GET this DONE so I can GO HOME!!!"
Exit store. Get in car. Drive home. Bust in back door. Sob uncontrollably from nerves and embarrassment. The fall wasn't enough to hurt the baby, but I'm nervous all the same. Counted kicks, everything's fine. I ended up calling the store and filing an incident report. There went my big plans for getting "shit done damnit!" so I napped.

Saturday, August 9, 2008


Bernie Mac died ... sad.
My Grandma doesn't understand the concept of snopes ... irritating.
Slept on the couch last night, in my jeans ... uncomfortable.
Our Dunkin Donuts pissed me off last week ... boycotting.
The new M.I.A. song is fucking awful ... disturbed.

Yes, these things are what plague my mind today. Oh sure, I could focus on the laundry, cleaning, shopping, starting on stuff I brought home from work or helping Husband finish The Room, but why? When other such monumental crises exist?

I guess it's better than stressing about money, mortgages, job security and maintaining relationships ... I'll save those for Tuesday.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Tickle the Piggy

See my Piggy? Click it! Blog the Recession!!!

Motherhood Uncensored has a great idea to help out some people who actually make money to blog (you know you wish you were one of them anyway, so CLICK IT, DAMMIT!)

Besides, there's some funny ass shit out there (Click through my Blog List to find out). I wish I could get paid for READING blogs all day...