Thursday, June 18, 2009

Penis, Circumcision, Vagina, Boobs and Gorillas

This is a test
A what?
A test
A what
A test
Oh, a test

(Throwback to one of the first plays I was ever in. Not too many people get it, but whenever I hear someone say "This is a test" or "This is a book", the above dialogue goes through my head. If you've done the exercise, you and I are now equally dorky. SWEET!) Ahem, I digress...

Kim at Yellow Trash Diaries has a theory and I am testing it.

Would you like to begin?

1) My son's PENIS is not CIRCUMCISED. I do not wish to start a cause here. It was a decision Husband and I made and, should Wee One ever regret our decision, he can always reverse it.
2) Husband had back surgery four weeks ago today. The morning of his surgery, I asked his surgeon (whom I shall dub "Mr. Fantastic-And-Kinda-Hot-Too") when he would be able to "perform" again. Mr. FAKHT said two weeks. No shit - two weeks plus two days later, Husband confirmed that his PENIS works. He feels much better about the surgery now. I think he thought it was going to take his ability to get laid away. Really dodged a bullet there, sweetheart...
3) I still have VAGINA Knives. I have no idea what the pain is, but it didn't go away with my hCG levels. Hurts like a bitch, but it's not as frequent as when I was prego.
4) About my BOOBS: They are working for a livin... but they aren't as productive as I think they should be. I've given them some performance enhancing Fenugreek, but I still am not convinced they are working at the pace I would prefer. And you're welcome if that song is in your head now (whoa-oh-whoa workin for a livin...)
5) GORILLAS. I got nothin. Just wanted to include it.
6) Also, I am in love with Gene Simmons Family Jewels. Truly. I've never been a HUGE Kiss fan, I mean, everyone loves a little Detroit Rock City, but I never had an interest in the show until I accidentally watched an episode the other night (the one where he takes a lie detector test for Shannon). And now, oh yes, it has been programmed on my DVR. Alongside Kathy Griffin and Tori Spelling because I love women who have an enormous Homosexual fan base.

Those are my thoughts.
Your what?
My thoughts
Your what?
My thoughts
Oh your thoughts

Monday, June 15, 2009

Fenugreek and Me

Started taking Fenugreek yesterday to increase my milk supply. If Wee One wasn't busy going clockwise through my office pulling everything down, I'd tell you about it.

Seriously, he started at one side of the room and as I've moved things, he just keeps moving around the room looking for things. He's also begun that wonderful stage of separation anxiety. I wasn't sure until today. I also didn't know it would affect his sleep. HOLY SHIT! I went from having this perfect sleeper to He Who Won't Stop Screaming From His Crib overnight. Sigh.

Gotta go, CD's are toppling....

Monday, June 8, 2009

Husband Update

Husband had surgery on his spine a little over two weeks ago. Decompression and fusion of L4 and L5. The first few days were very rough for him, he had consistent agonizing pain that didn't seem to be touched by narcotics. Finally on Day 4 of the writhing, the day they were to discharge him, they gave him a shot of steroids to relieve some of the pain in his sciatic nerve. Apparently they had angered the fellow during surgery and the pain that couldn't be touched with Vicodin, Oxycodone and the overdose of Dilaudid suddenly disappeared. Awesome. For three days I felt like I was sitting at the death bed of a loved one and poof, all better. Well, as better as one can get after that surgery.

He is doing well, better than expected. he can walk long distances and is down to three Vicodin a day. He still has restrictions on lifting, bending and twisting, none of which he will be able to do until August 21 (not that I'm counting down or anything). He can grill, he can drive and we bought him the Gopher III over the weekend, so now I don't have to run out of my office and pick things up for him AND he can help put away Wee One's toys. He's getting to be pretty self sufficient, but can't really help with the baby or the house cleaning and, obviously, can't work until he's fully recovered.

To deal with the stresses of feeling like I'm going it alone, I made up with my friend the anti-depressant. We've come to an understanding: I will continue to put up with it's silly side effects and it will help me cope with the rage I feel every night. It's working for us. As to the stuff that needs to get done, I won't lie to you... if my house is clean when you come over, it's because I knew you were coming or someone else had pity on our son and didn't want to see him crawling through dust bunnies anymore. If my vehicle is in the driveway, it's because I managed to pay the bill the day before it got repossessed. And if I have electricity and gas service, it's only because I slipped a twenty to the tech who came out to turn it off. I'm barely keeping my shit together most days. But, my Husband is recovering BEAUTIFULLY and he quit smoking which ROCKS. I do not think now is a good time for me to give up my half a pack a day... the voices in my head have requested I not. So, for all of the naysayers mentioned in the previous post... I must stick my tongue out and blow a raspberry in your general vicinity. And, all things considered... life is good and wonderful!