Monday, March 16, 2009

Where's The Monkey?!?! (Or - How I Spent My Friday Night)

As if I don't feel lame enough that all day Friday I was looking forward to purchasing some lamps. It had been a week long journey from Ikea to Target to Lowe's to Meijer trying to find some fucking lamps I liked enough to display in my living room. So, there it was, Friday night, I was showered, I was dressed in clean clothes and it only took until 8:30 at night to get to that point. I wondered to myself if we should be taking the baby out that close to his bedtime. I replied to myself that it was fine. So, we made our way to Wal-Mart. On the way, Husband and I were reminiscing about the days when being showered and dressed and in the car at 8:30 on a Friday night led to more than just lamps. Anyway... we went to Wal-Mart, we found no lamps. We went to the Subway in Wal-Mart for a Fountain Coke (which took a half hour because the Coke Syrup needed to be replaced... but I'm that cool these days that it was important enough to me to wait because, seriously, what else did I have going on??) We made our way to Meijer and, no lamps. At this point, it's 10:30... we're going to hang up our search for the night... but WAIT... Husband asks "Where's the Monkey?" Ah fuck. Our first lost toy. Retrace the steps through Meijer. Nothing. This monkey is more important to me than it is to Nicolas, so we'd better find it. I call Wal-Mart and, because they have STUPENDOUS Customer Service, there's no answer in ANY department. I check out at Meijer and Husband goes to Service Desk with the baby asking if anyone turned in a monkey. As I walk up to the Service Desk, Husband has three women's attention, two of them walk away when I approach... yeah, a Daddy with a baby looking for a stuffed monkey is a turn on, I know... nobody turned one in, but they'll be happy to take his number and call if they find it. So, it's now 10:50pm and we go BACK to Wal-Mart to see if it's there. Husband goes in alone and I try to park. The closest spot had a person standing in it to save it for a car that was making it's way around the aisle. As I pass it, the lazy bitch says "Nuh-uh, you can't park here" I would have run her over, but didn't have time to go to jail, I HAD A MONKEY TO FIND! Husband comes out of Wal-Mart with the Monkey. Apparently, while I was obsessed with my Fountain Coke, he had set the Monkey on the trash can at Subway. Thank God it was still there. Whew! Crisis averted. Then we got home and we were locked out of the house. Husband had to crawl in the kitchen window. When all was said and done, it was about 11:30.

SO, what did we learn?
1) The Monkey stays in the car from now on.
2) When one sets a toy down, one should make sure it's set on something we're taking with us.
3) When one returns a house key to Husbands key chain, one should make sure she hasn't put it on hers instead. Oops.
4) Our Friday nights have forever changed.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Why We'd Starve If It Weren't For Drive Thru's

For Christmas, Husband and I got a SWEET Kitchen-Aid mixer. You know, the kind all of the Food Network personalities have and the kind that makes you jealous when you see it sitting on top of my refrigerator. Anyway, you can't just make any old thing with this mixer... NO, it has to be special. No instant puddings or sub-par cakes here, no sir. So, it has taken us this long (count it - Two Months) to make something with this mixer and it goes something like this:

Husband: I think I'm going to make some bread today.
Me: What kind?
Husband: Italian. Maybe put some pepperoni in it.
Me: Well, we have flour, yeast and sugar. You'll have to buy the pepperoni. And some cheese.
Husband: Why cheese?
Me: Don't you want cheese?
Husband: No.
Me: Then you're eating alone.

Husband: Okay, I can't find a recipe for Italian bread. So, I'll make French bread. What is cornmeal and why do I need it?
Me: Um, I think they only use cornmeal to keep dough from sticking. Omit it.
Husband: Do we have a rolling pin?
Me: No. Use a beer bottle. Wait - why are you rolling anything out? Don't you just punch it?
Husband: I don't know. Look online for me.
Me: I'm working. But here, here's a recipe for Italian bread. Wait, we don't have a breadmaker. Just use the French Bread recipe and omit the cornmeal and use a beer bottle for the rolling pin.
Husband: Can we buy a rolling pin this weekend?
Me: I'll add it to the list.

Husband: Okay, I have to go to the grocery store. I need pepperoni. What else do you need?
Me: Bread and Milk.
Husband: I'm making bread.
Me: Humor me. Also - pick up some cheese. And here's a coupon for the pepperoni.

Husband calls: Hey, they have Pepsi on sale, buy one get one free.
Me: What's the limit?
Husband: I'll call you back.
Husband: Limit three offers.
Me: Okay, get six.
Husband: What kind? Three of yours and three of mine?
Me: No, two of yours, two of mine, one Regular Pepsi and one Mountain Dew to keep for other people.
Husband: I prefer coke.
Me: I prefer free.

Husband arrives back from grocery store.
Me: Did you use your pepperoni coupon?
Husband: No, I forgot.
Me: Did you get cheese.
Husband: SHIT! Do you want me to go back?
Me: No... didn't you have a list?
Husband: Yes.
Me: Weren't there, like, four items on it?
Husband: Yes, but I was so excited about the BOGO soda pop, I forgot about the cheese.

Husband is waiting for dough to rise
Kitchen smells like a brewery

Me: I really need you to run to the bank.
Husband: Okay - Want to try my bread?
Me: Okay. Wow, tastes way better than it looks.
Husband: I know, right?
Husband: I have two pepperoni rolls in the oven. Check them and tell me what you think.
Me: They look pretty good. Probably should cut a slit in them so they don't burst.
Husband: Could ya? And could you brush an egg wash on them too?
Me: Sure... anything else?

Me: I really need you to run to the bank before it closes.
Husband: Try my pepperoni roll.
Me: Mmmm, tasty. Especially since you found some cheese to add to it.
Husband: Yeah, you were right.

Husband returns from bank
Me: I ate some more pepperoni roll. It really is very good.
Husband: So, is this dinner?
Me: I guess.

Husband: I'm hungry.
Me: We're out of pepperoni roll.
Husband: Want Taco Bell?
Me: Only if you go get it.
Husband: I made breakfast, lunch and dinner today! Why do I have to go get it?
Me: Just because it TOOK you through three mealtimes to make a loaf of bread does NOT mean you MADE three meals. By the way - how much flour did you use?
Husband: Most of the bag. We'll need a new bag in a few days when I make more bread.
Me: You know the irony? The bag of flour is the same price as a loaf of bread.