Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Quote of the Month

"I like to engage in astral perversion, and my fondness is to be sucked off by ring-tailed fruit bats, while engaging in oral-erotic relationships with homosexual aardvarks and bathtubs full of lukewarm jello and late-night motel plate jobs, slurp circles and jello orgies."

- Ed Sanders (American poet, singer, social activist, environmentalist, author and publisher. He has been called a bridge between the Beat and Hippie generations- also a founding member of The Fugs: A satirical and self-satirizing rock band with a political slant, they have performed at various war protests — against the Vietnam War and since the 1980s at events around other US-involved wars. The band's often frank and almost always humorous lyrics about sex, drugs, and politics have caused a sometimes hostile reaction in some quarters.)

Thank you VH-1 and Wiki!!

Road Trip Quandary

I have a dilemma. It involves my favorite Band, my favorite Husband, my favorite Friend, my favorite Unborn Son and a trip to one of my favorite States. It goes like this:

Last year I had the Orgasmic experience of seeing my favorite Band at a Minor League Ballpark about two and a half hours from where I live. Because of the cost of the tickets and the cost of the room we had for the night, Husband and I called it "His Birthday Present". Never mind it's MY favorite band and never mind that it just happened to coincide with his birthday weekend, he was gracious enough to accept it as his gift... The Orgasmic part was "general-admission-standing-near-the-stage-once-I-navigated-my-bountiful-bottom-through-the-crowd-of-barely-legal-hotties". It was the best time ever. We both enjoyed the concert so much (he really is a fan in his own right). It was the closest I've ever been and I think Ed may have even noticed when I mouthed "You Complete Me" (complete with air drawn heart). We had a terrific time and vowed if they ever played that venue again, we would go. Well, I got an e-mail from the fan club (yeah, I still pay my dues, what's it to you?) telling me tickets were available for advance purchase this coming weekend to see them in a smaller-than-your-average-outdoor-theater-but-not-quite-as-small-as-last-years venue on July 24 about an hour from my house. When I jumped over to their site to see if they were playing at the Ballpark again, I discovered they are not, but they are scheduled for a FREE show in Hammond, Indiana on July 18. Hmmmm, can I fit them both in?? Should I consider just the FREE show since, um, my Mortgage payment is going up $200 that same week????? And then, it all came dawning on me: The Baby Shower ("TBS") is July 20. Favorite Friend Kateaken is coming in for it on July 16-July 23. Most of July 19 would be spent preparing for it. Do I wait until after TBS and go on the 24th? Or, do I propose a Road Trip? The last time Kateaken and I took a Road Trip of any distance beyond Pine Knob was to Caseville...wowzer, how freaking long ago was that???? Herein lies my quandary:
1) Husband must come too;
2) Kateaken may be bringing Aken-fam;
3) The return leg of Road Trip would have to happen early Saturday morning so as not to piss off CJX, who will, no doubt, be in no mood to hear of our Fantastic Voyage as she will be in "Eleventh Hour Planning Mode" (which equated to Bride-fucking-zilla the day before her own wedding -- EEK!!);
4) We'd still have to get a room in Hammond, add to that the cost of gas, and the Road Trip will undoubtedly cost more than the two tickets to the show that's close enough to get me, Husband and Lord of the Dance on My Bladder into our own bed for the night;
5) Kateaken and I haven't been to a concert together since that GOD-AWFUL Holiday Hoot-Nanny in 1998 (we were so far from the stage, we had a convo at "inside voice decibel level" and then left... we didn't even stay for Barenaked Ladies - I think we ended up at Denny's instead);
6) I want to pack as much BFF time in as possible while she's here and this would be an awesome trip.
7) Given the date of the shows, I might, once again, have to convince Husband this is what he wants for his birthday...

And, for the record, no, I don't have any fears of taking a Road Trip pregnant. Music has always been in the top five "Things I Deem Important In My Life" and I wish to impart this to my son. He's currently getting a lesson on the Beatles Blue Album and, frequently, I take him to bars to hear my Dad's band - Fuck classical music, the Beatles are more important to modern society than Beethoven. Next, I'm going to teach him to 'Just Say No' while we listen to The Doors Greatest Hits.

Sigh. I do believe it's likely that my "Responsible Mortgage Paying Adult Self" will overrule my "But I Wanna " self. Pfft...Adulthood...WTF?

Friday, May 23, 2008

Intermission on M-153

Sometimes I leave my office building around lunchtime just to get away (sometimes it's just so I can do things in my car that no one will judge me for). As I was travelling down the five lane road, I ran a yellow light, only to have to slam on my brakes on the other side of the intersection because there was a confused looking German Shepherd in front of me (I'll call him Volkswagen). Poor skittish VW started BACK across the road. I had my window down and tried to convince him in a sweet voice that he should follow my car and try not to get hurt doing so... I considered seeing how far down the road I could get him to follow me, but thought it unsafe for VW, so I immediately turned right into the parking lot of a party store. VW FOLLOWED ME! I opened my door and then had a panicking thought: Oh My God, What If This Dog Wants To Eat My Face For Lunch???? So I mustered up my most trusting, come to me and I'll pet you, you sweet little stupid dog that just came close to being roadkill voice, while keeping my back against my car and one hand on the door in the event that I had to make a quick get away before Cujo came lurching. I think I was sending mixed signals. VW came toward me (no rabid foam near mouth, no baring of teeth) and then jerked away as if I were only half in it. So, I stooped down, pretty confident at this point that he would not charge at me and he came over, I got a hold of his collar and oh, great, no tag. Four or five different people came up to check on him, but none to claim him. So, I'm sitting there with my hand on his collar, lest VW get away, and I hear shouting from the Walgreens across the road. I can't hear shit... there are FIVE LANES OF TRAFFIC WHIZZING BY! One kind girl, who must have taken a course in understanding chaotic shouting across long distances and through barriers of Detroit and Japanese steel, says that there is another dog at Walgreens, but that none of the chaotic screamers appear to belong to him. I think "The Others" thought he was my dog and wanted me to come get the other one. I was NOT crossing that crazy ass road!! Apparently, both dogs had strutted in to Walgreens (I think they read the same sale paper I did, Walgreens has EXCELLENT coupons) and they managed to hold on to one of them. During all of this, I have decided the best thing to do is to call the police department to come get these dogs, but one of the people on my side of the road (who was on a bike) said he would go over to "The Others" and make sure VW didn't belong to any of them and that the other dog didn't have a tag. It took him 7 minutes to cross the road... during which time VW exhibited an incredibly inappropriate response to all of the attention. Oh, how there is nothing I love seeing more than the aroused pink tip of an animal's package. And JUST as I was starting to feel like I should give VW a blanket to cover himself with, a Silver Hummer pulled up and out jumped a barefoot man who CLEARLY was not planning on leaving the house today. He looked over at VW and said "DUKE!!" and Duke, briefly known as VW, ran into the arms of his owner. It was almost as sweet as an Iams commercial, minus the sad "Someday your dog is going to die" undertones. We informed Mr. Hummer that his other beloved pet was across the street hunting for deals on potato chips and batteries and off they went, Duke and the Barefoot Man in the Hummer...

1) Please do not lay on your horn in an attempt to clear an animal from the road. It does not work with ducks, nor deer, nor dogs. Sorry for your inconvenience.
2) This is the third lost dog I've found... help me out... if you want your pet back, give me an address or a phone number to work with.
3) It dawned on me after the fact that no one gives this much attention to a cat crossing a busy road. Ha.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis? (or Fired Up, Schmired Up)

In an effort to stray away from others perception that I get fired up too easily over unimportant shit, I am going to name a few things from the last couple of days that are only mildly disruptive to the traffic flow in my head. Ahem:

1) The new Allstate Insurance commercial referring to retirement as "the third half of your life" - I'm not a mathematician, but relatively certain that one can only have two halves. If I am incorrect, I need to send a strongly worded email to the administration at RCHS.

2) People who Google something and then recite it back to you, nearly verbatim, within five minutes, pretending they have known this all their lives. If I would have known that I have a living, breathing search engine in my midst, I wouldn't bother to pay for Internet service.

3) The use of the word "irregardless" in a professional meeting, TWICE, even after you were called out on your usage the first time.

4) Being so focused on one's task that one forgets where one is and one belches loudly. One was hoping for some cheering. One received a look of abhorrence and quickly had to apologize to the abhorred, even though she and the abhorred have engaged in conversations about other co-workers breasts AND dildos. Don't those topics pretty much leave everything else in limits? Except poo convos. Poo convos are only acceptable after permission has specifically been granted and agreed upon by both parties.

5) Persons who are inclined to believe everything that lands in their INBOX. Listen -I know it's difficult to accept that some people truly have nothing better to do all day than fabricate stories and email them around the world, but they do. It just is. I could sit here and rant about the stupidity of those people and get all worked up over something I can't control.... or I could simply thank Barbara Mikkelson and her devotion to setting the world straight, always. Google It, Click On It, Use It, Love It... and for crying out loud, why do people ask me to Snopes things for them??? If you know what it's called, then you know the freaking website... or at least the freaking key word. Sigh. Whatever.

6) Thank you, Dearest Orange B, for the ability to entertain myself and feed my self-indulgent nature... however, I do have one tiny request... please oh please stop timing out and creating errors, especially when I am at, what I perceive to be, my funniest. I do not like to repeat myself and so, will not bother retyping. The humor is then lost forever...

7) Tripping in my own shoes THREE times in one day.

8) Lord of the Dance on my bladder, incessantly.

See? No f-bombs! I'm not worked up at all :)

Friday, May 16, 2008

Eating better than many

Let me dwell for a moment on a story from Alabama. One where the writer of the news story seems to be trying to evoke an emotion of pity from me toward inmates who are forced to eat for $1.75 a day. Perhaps the author wishes for me to be disgusted that Sheriff's in certain Alabama counties are turning profit by taking shortcuts to feed the inmates. It goes a little something like this:

-Back in the day of chain gangs, Alabama passed a law that gave sheriffs $1.75 a day to feed each prisoner in their jails, and the sheriffs got to pocket anything that was left over. More than 80 years later, most Alabama counties still operate under this system, with the same $1.75-a-day allowance, and some sheriffs are actually making money on top of their salaries.

"It's a bad system, and it ought not be that way," said Buddy Sharpless, executive director of the Association of County Commissions of Alabama.

A prisoner advocate said he constantly hears complaints about jail food.

By comparison, the government pays schools $2.47 for serving a single free meal under the National School Lunch Program for low-income students.-

Let me ponder this:
a) I have had occasion to eat for an entire day on less. Heard of Ramen? Ten cents a meal (eight at Wal-Mart)
b) Complaining about jail food? I am personally familiar with a number of people who not only have to feed their entire FAMILY on less, but sacrifice their own meals to do so. I have recently been to the home of a family member who will feed anyone who happens to be in her home at the time she makes dinner, regardless of the fact that she has bounced her rent check twice in the last two months and has to hide her car most days from Chrysler Financial. No one complains about the food at her house.
c) Fuck you, you fucking sociopath inmate bitch! You have it better than the tens of thousands who have lost their jobs recently because the economy took a dump in the tuba of America. Explain to me what sacrifices you have had to make? Oh, that's right... the prison system forced you to go work in the kitchen instead of paying for someone to come in, so they could cut some corners so you could still get your three hots and a cot.

Here are my favorite parts of the story

-[One sheriff is always on the] lookout for good deals on food, pays two cooks and supplements their work with trusty labor, and wastes nothing, turning today's leftovers tomorrow's soup. -

I think I've had to use leftovers once or twice. What's wrong #2779856? Are you opposed to day old bread? Sorry about that, but the local Panera shut down due to lack of business and your Jewish Rye was made yesterday at a bakery in another county who's owner is going without a paycheck just to keep his business afloat

-The menu on a recent day in the Limestone County Jail was two pancakes and syrup, sausage and milk for breakfast; peanut butter sandwiches, chips and Kool-Aid for lunch; and white beans, turnip greens, fried squash, cornbread and sweet tea for dinner.-

HOLY SHIT! Seriously, go back to the comment about Ramen... sometimes I add butter and garlic just to change it up a bit. I get bored bouncing between Beef and Chicken and I'm quite hesitant to even try the Shrimp flavor.

-Inmate William Howell said state prisons offer more food than [some county jails]. But he said the food in state prison isn't nearly as good.

"It's not like they go down to the bread store and catch it coming out of the oven, but it's good," Howell said. "We've got it good here."-

GOOD FOR YOU BILL! Finally, some fucking humility.

To the rest of you - Dude, YOU'RE IN PRISON! You lost the right to bitch about food the moment the judge handed down your sentence, so please, do all of us struggling, hard-working, law-abiding citizens a favor and go back to your day of nothingness and contemplate why you're fucking incarcerated to begin with. After that, think of ways to keep yourself from getting shived in the shower so that when you make it out on the other side, you can be like the rest of us and have a voice. I earned my right by ignoring the urge to rob a bank to pay my Mortgage and refusing to let the desire to stab someones eyes out with a pencil come to fruition, you couldn't do the same, so go eat your fucking day old bread... and consider that mine is three days old and I'm giving half of it to the Soup Kitchen!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Kali and Kwame

I am all for California's Supreme Court ruling today. I think it's terrific that the highest court in that state chooses to support Gay Marriage. It makes me wish I was gay. And living in California. I don't like avocado though...

On another newsworthy note, Kwame has decided to implement a privacy policy regarding text messages sent or received on City-owned devices. Oh thank Jesus!! I was beginning to think that big brother had taken away my constitutional right to fire someone and then lie about it! I almost believed there was no more room for having a sexual affair while in office! I nearly hyperventilated at the remote possibility that I would have to resort back to ACTUAL phone sex and Googling porn for my jollies! Whew, that was a close one. I'm wondering how many other "policies" he'll put into place to cover his own ass in the future... so many to choose from. You see, this is probably the first instance of the Kraziness that's Kwame's administration to make national news. What you may not realize is that he has been found to have been abusing his power all along: His wife's primary source of transportation was a vehicle that the City was paying the lease on; His "bodyguards" are all guys he grew up with; He has taken numerous vacations on the City's dime; He awarded millions of dollars in City contracts to one single person without any apparent regard for the bidding process; He physically assaults one particular reporter whenever he can and oh, yes, the grand finale was the Sext Scandal... but the truth is, he isn't in trouble for kinky T9, he's in trouble for spending millions of City dollars to settle a wrongful termination suit that was, as proved by his texts, a wrongful termination. And then he essentially lied to City Council about it. So, for all of you who want the media to "Leave Kwame ALONE" and think he's allowed to have sex with whomever, whenever by any electronic means he wishes, please take a few moments out of your day to Google the news stories that DIDN'T make national headlines. And for the people of the City of Detroit who still think he's the best Mayor ever, I can only presume he's texting you too.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Under Construction

Traffic is at a standstill until the moron in the Honda moves her disabled vehicle from the middle lane. Gawker delay... pfft.