Sometimes I leave my office building around lunchtime just to get away (sometimes it's just so I can do things in my car that no one will judge me for). As I was travelling down the five lane road, I ran a yellow light, only to have to slam on my brakes on the other side of the intersection because there was a confused looking German Shepherd in front of me (I'll call him Volkswagen). Poor skittish VW started BACK across the road. I had my window down and tried to convince him in a sweet voice that he should follow my car and try not to get hurt doing so... I considered seeing how far down the road I could get him to follow me, but thought it unsafe for VW, so I immediately turned right into the parking lot of a party store. VW FOLLOWED ME! I opened my door and then had a panicking thought: Oh My God, What If This Dog Wants To Eat My Face For Lunch???? So I mustered up my most trusting, come to me and I'll pet you, you sweet little stupid dog that just came close to being roadkill voice, while keeping my back against my car and one hand on the door in the event that I had to make a quick get away before Cujo came lurching. I think I was sending mixed signals. VW came toward me (no rabid foam near mouth, no baring of teeth) and then jerked away as if I were only half in it. So, I stooped down, pretty confident at this point that he would not charge at me and he came over, I got a hold of his collar and oh, great, no tag. Four or five different people came up to check on him, but none to claim him. So, I'm sitting there with my hand on his collar, lest VW get away, and I hear shouting from the Walgreens across the road. I can't hear shit... there are FIVE LANES OF TRAFFIC WHIZZING BY! One kind girl, who must have taken a course in understanding chaotic shouting across long distances and through barriers of Detroit and Japanese steel, says that there is another dog at Walgreens, but that none of the chaotic screamers appear to belong to him. I think "The Others" thought he was my dog and wanted me to come get the other one. I was NOT crossing that crazy ass road!! Apparently, both dogs had strutted in to Walgreens (I think they read the same sale paper I did, Walgreens has EXCELLENT coupons) and they managed to hold on to one of them. During all of this, I have decided the best thing to do is to call the police department to come get these dogs, but one of the people on my side of the road (who was on a bike) said he would go over to "The Others" and make sure VW didn't belong to any of them and that the other dog didn't have a tag. It took him 7 minutes to cross the road... during which time VW exhibited an incredibly inappropriate response to all of the attention. Oh, how there is nothing I love seeing more than the aroused pink tip of an animal's package. And JUST as I was starting to feel like I should give VW a blanket to cover himself with, a Silver Hummer pulled up and out jumped a barefoot man who CLEARLY was not planning on leaving the house today. He looked over at VW and said "DUKE!!" and Duke, briefly known as VW, ran into the arms of his owner. It was almost as sweet as an Iams commercial, minus the sad "Someday your dog is going to die" undertones. We informed Mr. Hummer that his other beloved pet was across the street hunting for deals on potato chips and batteries and off they went, Duke and the Barefoot Man in the Hummer...
1) Please do not lay on your horn in an attempt to clear an animal from the road. It does not work with ducks, nor deer, nor dogs. Sorry for your inconvenience.
2) This is the third lost dog I've found... help me out... if you want your pet back, give me an address or a phone number to work with.
3) It dawned on me after the fact that no one gives this much attention to a cat crossing a busy road. Ha.