Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Vagina Knives

In an effort to put off the inevitability that this will become a Mommy Blog, I have refrained from posting too many stories about my pregnancy. But, I couldn't let this one go.

For the last month and a half, or so, I've been getting shooting pains in my cervix. I am currently 33 weeks pregnant, so there is no real likelihood that this has been any sort of labor indication.

When I first presented this "uncomfortable feeling" (read: feels like Freddy Krueger is knifing my cervix in a dark alley next to a dumpster, while tiny fingers and/or toes attempt to dislodge themselves from the comfort of my uterus and sneak out for a quick diddle), Doc checked that everything was closed up and told me not to worry. Two weeks later, when the pain was still hanging around, Doc told me it was typical pregnancy vaginal pain. I politely disagreed with her... I'm not new here... I have had my share of cervical pokes from multiple angles with multiple tools. This is CERVICAL pain. Ultimately she decided she hadn't really heard of such a thing, but that I probably have a very sensitive cervix and that the swoosh of amniotic fluid is irritating some nerves (I, at this point, feel compelled to jump to the conclusion that labor might be extra painful for someone with a "sensitive cervix" - For real... if I can feel the amniotic fluid, imagine what dilation is going to feel like!!! Can I get an epidural now?)

Fast forward to the previously mentioned trip to the ER. Julie, the lovely Midwife, asked about anything out of the ordinary and I mentioned the semi-regular rendezvous with Mr. Krueger. She said she has heard the complaint a few times in the last few months and the only thing she or any of the docs on the L&D floor can come up with is that it is a sensitive cervix. HOORAY!

I am still told this is nothing to worry about... but, me being me, had to find out what other people are experiencing... I'm not paranoid, I just want to be educated. So this evening, I Googled "Pregnant Cervical Pain" and quite a few postings came up. The one that is most intriguing to me is the name that some Doctors have given it....... you guessed it............ Vagina Knives. LAUGHED MY ASS OFF!!! Perfect name, really. So, I have Vagina Knives. I'm not sure if it sounds more like a Porn Star, a Tarantino character or a species on Star Trek, but I am DAMN amused.

Vagina Knives!! HA!

Signing Off,
Vagina Knives

Monday, July 28, 2008


After a VERY lazy Sunday, yesterday, I fell asleep on the couch around midnight. Husband is not a fan of me missing from our bed, so he woke me up around 3:20am to finish my slumber in the comforts of our own room.

Before I went back to sleep, I stopped in the bathroom to pee and felt like there was a giant gas bubble right under the placenta. I ignored it, because at 3:20am, I want to ignore such things. But, alas, ignoring the bubble lead to movement of the bubble... to my back. To my lower right back to be specific. And then, it was all downhill from there...

For the next two hours, I moaned and groaned and shifted positions and tried to squeeze whatever pain this was OUT... I tried pooping, I tried massaging, I tried crying and throwing a tantrum, but nothing would move this pain... it was an excruciating pain... one I thought was probably not good for the baby. OH MY GOD, AM I IN LABOR???? No, I decided... I was not... but I probably oughta call my doctor. Two hours straight of writhing in pain cannot be normal.

I'm a considerate wife. I let Husband continue his sleep until his normal wake-up time of 5:30. At which point, I told him I was pretty sure he was going to have to call in so that we could take a trip to the Emergency Room. I had also come to the conclusion that this must be coming from my kidney. Pain radiating from my back around to the front rhythmically in waves... AND NOT BUDGING FROM THAT SPOT. I wanted to jab a crochet hook into my kidney in hopes that it would relieve some of the pressure I was feeling.

I called my Doctor, who was a little irritated that I was calling at 5:30 in the morning (I didn't mention that I could have called her at 3:30, but opted against it, on the off chance it was gas... how embarrassing would that have been?!?) She told me that she didn't know what it was and couldn't rule out a pregnancy complication and that, yes, it WOULD be a good idea to take a run to the ER. (I, of course, didn't know which ER to go to... she is affiliated with TWO hospitals, each 1/2 hour away, but I have three within 10 minutes of my house that she ISN'T affiliated with. If this was a complication... I needed to be at one of her two hospitals. She sent me to my lesser favorite. Ugh)

As I tried to convince Husband that this was NOT labor, while becoming less and less convinced myself, I took a shower and put on some pants (if anyone was going to be near my Private Bits, I thought they'd appreciate it). We headed to Royal Oak at 6:30. And, of course, had to stop for gas and something to drink. Husband also needed some Hostess mini-Donettes.

As we approached the hospital, the pain was more and more intense and I started fearing that our son was going to find a way to arrive today and I started panicking that the room isn't done! Nothing is put together! I don't even HAVE a bag packed yet! As we made the last turn toward the hospital, the pain was out of control, I wanted to throw up, I wanted to lie down, I want to scream, I wanted to cut a tiny hole in my side and reach in with my fingers to pinch whatever this God awful pain was just to make it stop... huff huff... and then, as we pulled into the drive toward emergency....... it stopped. Completely. And I breathed. For the first time in three and a half hours, I felt relief. Sweet, sweet, painless movement. And after the initial first thought was... MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? A kidney stone? REALLY? Because being eight months pregnant isn't getting uncomfortable enough, let's throw in a FUCKING KIDNEY STONE! And on top of that, I'm about to walk into the ER with "some mild tenderness in my kidney area" - oh yeah, they love that in the ER of the biggest, busiest hospital in Oakland County. "Yes, ma'am, we'll see your mild tenderness right after we remove a bullet lodged in this gentleman's skull and resuscitate this elderly woman who fell and couldn't get up. Oops, Med-Flight just showed up from that REALLY bad 5 car pile up from the freeway... sure we'll get to your mild tenderness soon" FUCK! If the pain had wanted to cooperate AT ALL, it would have had the decency to subside AFTER I checked in, for crying out loud!

On the upside, when you're 33 weeks pregnant, they take you to Labor and Delivery instead of make you wait in the ER. Once they wheeled my ass through the gi-normous hospital and up two floors, I was immediately given the chance to pee into a cup, put into a curtain and hooked up to a monitor for a non-stress test. When the Nurse Midwife (Julie) came in to find out what was going on, I explained to her that, although I was pretty sure it was a kidney stone, could they double check that for me? Great, thanks!! So, no IV, no gown, a little apple juice and 40 minutes on the heart rate monitor later... I got to sleep for a little while waiting for the results of my urinalysis to HOPEFULLY show some blood, just so the morning wasn't a total waste. Great news! There was blood! Indicating, most likely, that it was, in fact, a kidney stone. Whew. By 9:30, we were discharged. So, we went to McDonalds. When we got home, I went pee just before I took a nap and as I was flushing the toilet, I am pretty sure I saw the stone, but didn't have time to reach in for it before it went down. So, I slept. Like a baby. From 11am to 4pm. And it felt good. And now, I have to go to the grocery store.

I am woman, hear my roar, I can carry a baby AND pass a kidney stone at the same time... what did YOU do today???

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Ode To Riesling

Oh, my Riesling, you sweet, sweet wine
I've missed you terribly
The way you've always been there for me and my friends
The way you've never failed me
(except that one time I bought that one kind with a screw cap on accident)
Your role in foreplay
Your role in entertaining
Your role in making me funny and outgoing, if only until I fall asleep
Your availability
Your unique bottles
The beauty that is my Vinotemp
Loaded from top to bottom with you
And when used in a blend, you fulfill all of my wine fantasies

Only a few more months my sweet
And we can be alone
I won't share you
I won't waste you
But I will not need the Wine Saver either

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Quote(s) Of The Month

A little something for everyone:

a) "Writing about music is like dancing about architecture - it's a really stupid thing to want to do." --Elvis Costello - 1983

b) You might be a DJ if (excerpt):
*You excitedly turn up the radio at the sound of "dead air" on the competitors station
*You have several old air-check cassettes in a cardboard box in your closet that you would never let anyone listen to...but, you'll never throw them out or record over them. NOT EVER!

c) A man once asked "How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?" - Author Unknown
My version of that query: Why do we start with less than 20 people running for President, but THOUSANDS running for American Idol? Also, shouldn't our President be the ORIGINAL American idol?

d) "I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof - Live Aid organizer] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie." -- Sting [on the story that he could last EIGHT HOURS using Tantric Sex techniques (thereby single-handedly increasing sales of all Tantra books worldwide and possibly being at fault for a large number of Emergency Room visits by men whose wives forced them into Tantric positions)...]

Happy Long Weekend!

Unless you live in another country