Monday, July 28, 2008


After a VERY lazy Sunday, yesterday, I fell asleep on the couch around midnight. Husband is not a fan of me missing from our bed, so he woke me up around 3:20am to finish my slumber in the comforts of our own room.

Before I went back to sleep, I stopped in the bathroom to pee and felt like there was a giant gas bubble right under the placenta. I ignored it, because at 3:20am, I want to ignore such things. But, alas, ignoring the bubble lead to movement of the bubble... to my back. To my lower right back to be specific. And then, it was all downhill from there...

For the next two hours, I moaned and groaned and shifted positions and tried to squeeze whatever pain this was OUT... I tried pooping, I tried massaging, I tried crying and throwing a tantrum, but nothing would move this pain... it was an excruciating pain... one I thought was probably not good for the baby. OH MY GOD, AM I IN LABOR???? No, I decided... I was not... but I probably oughta call my doctor. Two hours straight of writhing in pain cannot be normal.

I'm a considerate wife. I let Husband continue his sleep until his normal wake-up time of 5:30. At which point, I told him I was pretty sure he was going to have to call in so that we could take a trip to the Emergency Room. I had also come to the conclusion that this must be coming from my kidney. Pain radiating from my back around to the front rhythmically in waves... AND NOT BUDGING FROM THAT SPOT. I wanted to jab a crochet hook into my kidney in hopes that it would relieve some of the pressure I was feeling.

I called my Doctor, who was a little irritated that I was calling at 5:30 in the morning (I didn't mention that I could have called her at 3:30, but opted against it, on the off chance it was gas... how embarrassing would that have been?!?) She told me that she didn't know what it was and couldn't rule out a pregnancy complication and that, yes, it WOULD be a good idea to take a run to the ER. (I, of course, didn't know which ER to go to... she is affiliated with TWO hospitals, each 1/2 hour away, but I have three within 10 minutes of my house that she ISN'T affiliated with. If this was a complication... I needed to be at one of her two hospitals. She sent me to my lesser favorite. Ugh)

As I tried to convince Husband that this was NOT labor, while becoming less and less convinced myself, I took a shower and put on some pants (if anyone was going to be near my Private Bits, I thought they'd appreciate it). We headed to Royal Oak at 6:30. And, of course, had to stop for gas and something to drink. Husband also needed some Hostess mini-Donettes.

As we approached the hospital, the pain was more and more intense and I started fearing that our son was going to find a way to arrive today and I started panicking that the room isn't done! Nothing is put together! I don't even HAVE a bag packed yet! As we made the last turn toward the hospital, the pain was out of control, I wanted to throw up, I wanted to lie down, I want to scream, I wanted to cut a tiny hole in my side and reach in with my fingers to pinch whatever this God awful pain was just to make it stop... huff huff... and then, as we pulled into the drive toward emergency....... it stopped. Completely. And I breathed. For the first time in three and a half hours, I felt relief. Sweet, sweet, painless movement. And after the initial first thought was... MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? A kidney stone? REALLY? Because being eight months pregnant isn't getting uncomfortable enough, let's throw in a FUCKING KIDNEY STONE! And on top of that, I'm about to walk into the ER with "some mild tenderness in my kidney area" - oh yeah, they love that in the ER of the biggest, busiest hospital in Oakland County. "Yes, ma'am, we'll see your mild tenderness right after we remove a bullet lodged in this gentleman's skull and resuscitate this elderly woman who fell and couldn't get up. Oops, Med-Flight just showed up from that REALLY bad 5 car pile up from the freeway... sure we'll get to your mild tenderness soon" FUCK! If the pain had wanted to cooperate AT ALL, it would have had the decency to subside AFTER I checked in, for crying out loud!

On the upside, when you're 33 weeks pregnant, they take you to Labor and Delivery instead of make you wait in the ER. Once they wheeled my ass through the gi-normous hospital and up two floors, I was immediately given the chance to pee into a cup, put into a curtain and hooked up to a monitor for a non-stress test. When the Nurse Midwife (Julie) came in to find out what was going on, I explained to her that, although I was pretty sure it was a kidney stone, could they double check that for me? Great, thanks!! So, no IV, no gown, a little apple juice and 40 minutes on the heart rate monitor later... I got to sleep for a little while waiting for the results of my urinalysis to HOPEFULLY show some blood, just so the morning wasn't a total waste. Great news! There was blood! Indicating, most likely, that it was, in fact, a kidney stone. Whew. By 9:30, we were discharged. So, we went to McDonalds. When we got home, I went pee just before I took a nap and as I was flushing the toilet, I am pretty sure I saw the stone, but didn't have time to reach in for it before it went down. So, I slept. Like a baby. From 11am to 4pm. And it felt good. And now, I have to go to the grocery store.

I am woman, hear my roar, I can carry a baby AND pass a kidney stone at the same time... what did YOU do today???


KK said...

i have to say, for all the pain and suffering you went through, you are a fantastic story teller and you make kidney stones sound like fun! i want to see one in real life! but not mine! or reall anyone elses.........
happy 33 1/2!

lapa37 said...

Doesn't it suck I to had the same thing when I was pregnant with my daughter. On top of having the worst pregnancy ever my pregnancy was so bad my doctor told me that I shouldn't get pregnant again. So she made that possible. It is amazing how much a womans body can go through. I hope the rest of your time goes smoother