Saturday, March 7, 2009

Why We'd Starve If It Weren't For Drive Thru's

For Christmas, Husband and I got a SWEET Kitchen-Aid mixer. You know, the kind all of the Food Network personalities have and the kind that makes you jealous when you see it sitting on top of my refrigerator. Anyway, you can't just make any old thing with this mixer... NO, it has to be special. No instant puddings or sub-par cakes here, no sir. So, it has taken us this long (count it - Two Months) to make something with this mixer and it goes something like this:

Husband: I think I'm going to make some bread today.
Me: What kind?
Husband: Italian. Maybe put some pepperoni in it.
Me: Well, we have flour, yeast and sugar. You'll have to buy the pepperoni. And some cheese.
Husband: Why cheese?
Me: Don't you want cheese?
Husband: No.
Me: Then you're eating alone.

Husband: Okay, I can't find a recipe for Italian bread. So, I'll make French bread. What is cornmeal and why do I need it?
Me: Um, I think they only use cornmeal to keep dough from sticking. Omit it.
Husband: Do we have a rolling pin?
Me: No. Use a beer bottle. Wait - why are you rolling anything out? Don't you just punch it?
Husband: I don't know. Look online for me.
Me: I'm working. But here, here's a recipe for Italian bread. Wait, we don't have a breadmaker. Just use the French Bread recipe and omit the cornmeal and use a beer bottle for the rolling pin.
Husband: Can we buy a rolling pin this weekend?
Me: I'll add it to the list.

Husband: Okay, I have to go to the grocery store. I need pepperoni. What else do you need?
Me: Bread and Milk.
Husband: I'm making bread.
Me: Humor me. Also - pick up some cheese. And here's a coupon for the pepperoni.

Husband calls: Hey, they have Pepsi on sale, buy one get one free.
Me: What's the limit?
Husband: I'll call you back.
Husband: Limit three offers.
Me: Okay, get six.
Husband: What kind? Three of yours and three of mine?
Me: No, two of yours, two of mine, one Regular Pepsi and one Mountain Dew to keep for other people.
Husband: I prefer coke.
Me: I prefer free.

Husband arrives back from grocery store.
Me: Did you use your pepperoni coupon?
Husband: No, I forgot.
Me: Did you get cheese.
Husband: SHIT! Do you want me to go back?
Me: No... didn't you have a list?
Husband: Yes.
Me: Weren't there, like, four items on it?
Husband: Yes, but I was so excited about the BOGO soda pop, I forgot about the cheese.

Husband is waiting for dough to rise
Kitchen smells like a brewery

Me: I really need you to run to the bank.
Husband: Okay - Want to try my bread?
Me: Okay. Wow, tastes way better than it looks.
Husband: I know, right?
Husband: I have two pepperoni rolls in the oven. Check them and tell me what you think.
Me: They look pretty good. Probably should cut a slit in them so they don't burst.
Husband: Could ya? And could you brush an egg wash on them too?
Me: Sure... anything else?

Me: I really need you to run to the bank before it closes.
Husband: Try my pepperoni roll.
Me: Mmmm, tasty. Especially since you found some cheese to add to it.
Husband: Yeah, you were right.

Husband returns from bank
Me: I ate some more pepperoni roll. It really is very good.
Husband: So, is this dinner?
Me: I guess.

Husband: I'm hungry.
Me: We're out of pepperoni roll.
Husband: Want Taco Bell?
Me: Only if you go get it.
Husband: I made breakfast, lunch and dinner today! Why do I have to go get it?
Me: Just because it TOOK you through three mealtimes to make a loaf of bread does NOT mean you MADE three meals. By the way - how much flour did you use?
Husband: Most of the bag. We'll need a new bag in a few days when I make more bread.
Me: You know the irony? The bag of flour is the same price as a loaf of bread.

1 comment:

TrustMe_2_Forget said...

*snort* you and Tony crack me up!