Thursday, June 5, 2008

Is it the Orgasm or the Mountain Dew?

There are a couple of things I have learned in the last 6 months. Okay, there's a shit ton of stuff I have learned, but among them are that:
1) Mountain Dew only has 55mg of caffeine per 12oz AND
2) Pregnant Orgasms are even better than Married Orgasms (which were previously above Engaged Orgasms, Been Together For 7 Years Orgasms and We're Young and Very Into Each Other Four Times A Day Orgasms - in that order)

There is not much "they" want you to consume during pregnancy aside from water and fruits and vegetables. Much of it is based in science, some based in happenstance and coincidence. For example, during a drug trial, if Subject A is taking the real medication and happens to develop a headache, perhaps just due to being hungry, "Headache" must be listed as a possible side effect of the medication. "Experts" have agreed that up to 150mg of caffeine seems to be safe for baby and it doesn't surprise me that they disagree beyond that. Finding out that Mountain Dew ONLY has 55mg per 12oz was the best news ever (that day). So, once a week, usually Thursdays, Husband goes and gets me and Lord of the Dance on My Bladder some good ole fashioned Taco Bell. We don't plan it, it just happens that by Thursday neither one of us have any desire to eat at home and, either we both really like the way our sphincters loosen up on Fridays or Taco Bell puts crack in their "seasoned meat". Either way, on this glorious day of the week, I consume 32oz of my favorite radioactive soda (because nothing goes with Taco Bell like Mountain Dew, except a drunken evening with good friends and great music). The thing I have learned about Mountain Dew is that I may talk faster, type faster and generally move faster, but my brain actually works better too, I swear!

Being pregnant has taught me that my ability to retrieve certain vocabulary words is completely out of my control. I find myself needing to ask people to help me find the word(s) I'm looking for. I find myself stopping in the middle of a sentence because something shiny caught my eye and I can no longer speak and look at the same time. I find myself actually having to close my eyes many times to articulately convey my sentence, just so I don't get distracted. This is new to me. I have always prided myself in being "one of the smartest people I know" and frequently "the smartest person in the room" (one might think this has to do with the company I keep, but frankly, I'm just that damn good... and if I'm not, I say it with enough confidence to convince people it's fact) So, all of these years I've heard lame-ass excuses from people about "Pregnancy Brain" and disregarded it as a cover-up for their ineptitude. But, I finally have to concede ... sigh... it's real. And it's painful. And it's embarrassing. But I own it. And my good friend Terri has been able to ease my troubled mind with this phenomenon by a) always lending a helping vocabulary word when it escapes me and b) soothing my fear that this is a permanent disability with her quick wit and intelligent conversation, even after she's had two babies and admits that she, too, was subjected to the misery of "Pregnancy Brain" - TWICE

So, where does the Orgasm come in to play?

The last few months, I can pretty much stay on top of my game at work ... quick, accurate, intelligent responses to any problem posed to me (and there are A LOT, everyday) - but this tends to wipe me out so that by the time I get home from my job, I find myself in a semi-vegetative state, watching mindless programming while uttering Beavis and Butthead-like "he-he"'s at potty humor. BUT, throw in a Pregnant Orgasm and I manage to snap out of it, usually long enough to have an actual conversation for at least 15 minutes. Couple it with 32oz of Mountain Dew and it's not just for a moment, but for HOURS! Here it is, 1:15a Eastern and I have regained enough brain activity to not only form a complete sentence, but also engage in this witty banter with my friend:

Ponder this text exchange - it's a little game we like to play, sometimes via email, sometimes in person, but always the same topic - piss poor grammar and pronunciation:

Me: Irregardless
Terri: Anyways
Me: Mkay
Terri: Supposably
Me: Pacifically
Terri: Cousint
Me: Melk
Terri: Should of
Me: Whole nother
Terri: (No fair, you have my Mortal Syntax ) book. Pellow!
Me: It don't mean I used it. I seen it on my shelf. I gots to try to get to bed earlier, but probally I'll still be up late.
Terri: Ohh you nasty girl!
Me: Yeah I thought I would give the equivalent of the 4th of July Grand Finale on that one. I can almost hear your head explode all the way over here.
Terri: Nice. See you tomorrow.

I am confident that, someday, I will get my "words" back, but, until then, I guess I will have to suffer the cocktail of Orgasms and Mountain Dew when necessary. This will only be awkward if I ever have to take my medicine at work.

The serotonin levels in my brain are out of fucking control right now, so this post may read more like an A.D.H.D. Kid's How I Spent My Summer Vacation essay. Sorry! It's a side effect of the medication... :)


Bec. said...

I don't mind heterosexual relationships, as long as they behind closed doors, and not in my face.


My girlfriend (and i'm sure she won't mind me sharing this with lots of strangers) pretty much becomes a zombie after an orgasm, whereas i become so filled with energy that it's like someone injected me with the purest form of caffeine known to mankind.

If i could bottle it, i would be so rich that i could spend all of my time having orgasms, and nothing else.

Lisa said...

Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George gets smarter by abstaining from sex and Elaine gets dumber by abstaining.

When you figure out the formula for bottling O's, you let me know... I'll do the marketing!!!

P.S. There is a joke to be written about hetero's in your face, but I'll refrain for now... :)